At my wits end - Page 2

lady zed · 13th June 2016, 21:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by andymc

As others have said Anna, it's very important that you inform the police about this without delay, and emphasise the fact that he has made at least one threat to your life as well as that of your partner.

You are absolutely right - this is domestic abuse. Also, speak to Women's Aid - they should provide you with advice and information about how to deal with him (including any possible non-molestation order - I'm not sure what the specific legal term is in Scotland), how to report him to the police in such as way as to make sure they take you very seriously and handle your case with the urgency it merits.

Regardless of the whys & wherefores, as a responsible adult you have made the decision that you no longer wish to be involved with this man. That is your absolute right - you don't have to justify or explain the fact. There's no need to consider what labels either he or anyone else might use to describe you. That's simply more abuse, of the verbal/psychological variety.

If he turns up again and refuses to leave or makes similar threats, don't just say you'll call the police - do it, immediately, using the 999 emergency number. Tell them that you fear for your safety. I'm not being melodramatic or exaggerating when I say that you should do everything in your power to avoid becoming another unhappy statistic.

Thank you for that. I do seem to find myself having to defend myself constantly and going over why we split up time and time again while he protests he's done nothing wrong! BTW we've been separated over 2 years!!! Anyway I will go to the police tomorrow. Plus I want my car back. I have reason to believe it's being used for illegal purposes plus he's wrecked it. My beautiful zed.

FLYER · 13th June 2016, 21:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by lady zed

Thank you for that. I do seem to find myself having to defend myself constantly and going over why we split up time and time again while he protests he's done nothing wrong! BTW we've been separated over 2 years!!! Anyway I will go to the police tomorrow. Plus I want my car back. I have reason to believe it's being used for illegal purposes plus he's wrecked it. My beautiful zed.

Forget the car Anna .

Its just another connection he will play on .

Sometimes lady you have to let things go.

Your a very brave woman.

Stay strong but above all stay safe.

andymc · 13th June 2016, 22:07

Is the car registered or insured in your name? If so, and you suspect he's been using it for any illegal purpose (or even civil offences like racking up speeding/parking fines etc), then when you talk to the police make sure that you declare that it has not been in your possession - possibly to your insurers and the DVA as well. As Flyer says, forget the car for now - assume it's lost to you and think in terms of making sure it can't be used against you.

Bullies like to prey on those they see as weaker than themselves, whether physically or psychologically. They tend to shy away from confronting people who are capable of standing their ground and fighting back.

ratchet · 13th June 2016, 22:17

Some sound advice so far, to which I can only add that you should consider keeping a diary and log every incident or threat. It might also be worth investing in a cheap concealed camera.

Yella Fella · 14th June 2016, 06:46

Anna, I deliver domestic abuse awareness sessions (to accused people) so I have knowledge of how this works in Scotland. These are serious incidents you talk about and you must report them, even retrospectively. What you describe is all about Power and Control from the abuser. Domestic Abuse takes many forms and from you describe you are also subject to what we call Seperation Abuse.

The PF has given strict instructions to Police Scotland to deal with all Domestic Abuse incidents seriously. They have joint protocol which outlines what action Police should take and the Police do have a very strict approach when dealing with Domestic incidents.

PF and Police Scotland definition of Domestic Abuse:
“Any form of physical, sexual or mental and emotional abuse which might amount to criminal conduct and which takes place within the context of a relationship. The relationship will be between partners (married, co-habiting, civil partnership or otherwise) or ex-partners. The abuse can be committed in the home or elsewhere."

There is a real risk you will get on the wrong side of the Police. 90% of my domestic abuse clients are female, most of them because they have reacted to the abuse they are receiving from partners and ex-partners and because they have reacted, they have found themselves getting arrested!!! This is VERY COMMON and so easy to happen.

Your ex is a risk you your children. You say he threatened to "stab him in the throat in front of the children" So he has threatened to use extreme violence in the presence of the children. Children should never be exposed to acts of violence or any form of domestic abuse. Trust me, this is part of my work and Child Protection measures can be imposed if children are exposed to such risks.

You need to take action, report these incidents to Police Scotland to protect yourself and put into place proper safeguards to protect your children. Strong words but you can't live with these risks. I hope this helps.

murphyv310 · 14th June 2016, 07:02

Hi Anna.
I'm shocked and horrified. You must take the advice on here especially what Glenn says.
My daughter suffered the very same from her EX with terrible abuse, he was also involved with drugs which was hidden for two years during the time they were together.
You have to do something and pretty quick, if something happens to your kids you'll never forgive yourself and if something happens to you your poor children will be distraught.
Anna please please take the advice here, I'm sure your partner and all of us here will look after you.
Any possibility of moving away?

coolcat · 14th June 2016, 07:12

Hi Anna,

Sorry to hear your ex is putting you through this turmoil,
As others have said, he is obviously a control freak and losing his grip on you is making him behave in this way !

You have been given some excellent advice from everyone on here about your situation, please do act on it and hopefully that will be enough to make him realise he is behaving in a disgraceful manner and to stop harassing you and ruining his relationship with his children.

All the best for you and the kids, stay safe.

lady zed · 14th June 2016, 17:59

Spent 2 hours at the police station this afternoon giving a statement. I won't go any further into details in case it ends up in court. He's preparing to hand himself in and has been in touch with his lawyer. I don't know what'll happen next, hopefully the penny will eventuallyy drop that my business is no longer his business and he has no right to interfere in my life and turn up at my house whenever he feels like it. His lawyer has told him to prepare for bail conditions preventing him coming anywhere near me. We'll see.

clf · 14th June 2016, 18:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by lady zed

Spent 2 hours at the police station this afternoon giving a statement. I won't go any further into details in case it ends up in court. He's preparing to hand himself in and has been in touch with his lawyer. I don't know what'll happen next, hopefully the penny will eventuallyy drop that my business is no longer his business and he has no right to interfere in my life and turn up at my house whenever he feels like it. His lawyer has told him to prepare for bail conditions preventing him coming anywhere near me. We'll see.

I have nothing to offer but best wishes, and well done on finding the courage to go to the police about this. The fact that it has dragged on for so long, suggests a reluctance of some sort, so well done!

One thing to keep in mind from a few horror stories I have read about. If he does receive some kind of exclusion order, keep this in mind when dealing with any access he has to your kids. Collection and dropping off. As an example, he drops the kids off outside your home, but he is not allowed within 100 metres of you or your home. You may be comfortable with that, but it could set a precedent that may invalidate terms of any exclusion order, and be unenforceable, in the future. Please check that out and confirm if such an exclusion comes into force.

FLYER · 14th June 2016, 18:14

Well done Anna .

You have made the first moves .

Dont weaken your resolve .

13th June 2016, 22:07	#13
andymc Posted a thing or two Wedgewood Connie SE / Black Club SE Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: Ballymoney Posts: 1,459 Thanks: 542 Thanked 583 Times in 365 Posts	Is the car registered or insured in your name? If so, and you suspect he's been using it for any illegal purpose (or even civil offences like racking up speeding/parking fines etc), then when you talk to the police make sure that you declare that it has not been in your possession - possibly to your insurers and the DVA as well. As Flyer says, forget the car for now - assume it's lost to you and think in terms of making sure it can't be used against you. Bullies like to prey on those they see as weaker than themselves, whether physically or psychologically. They tend to shy away from confronting people who are capable of standing their ground and fighting back. __________________ My blood brother is an immigrant A beautiful immigrant My blood brother's Freddie Mercury A Nigerian mother of three

14th June 2016, 06:46	#15
Yella Fella Nemo Me Impune Lacessit None at the moment Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Glasgow's HMP Barlinnie, 'A' Hall, 2nd Flat Posts: 5,192 Thanks: 493 Thanked 1,094 Times in 666 Posts	Anna, I deliver domestic abuse awareness sessions (to accused people) so I have knowledge of how this works in Scotland. These are serious incidents you talk about and you must report them, even retrospectively. What you describe is all about Power and Control from the abuser. Domestic Abuse takes many forms and from you describe you are also subject to what we call Seperation Abuse. The PF has given strict instructions to Police Scotland to deal with all Domestic Abuse incidents seriously. They have joint protocol which outlines what action Police should take and the Police do have a very strict approach when dealing with Domestic incidents. PF and Police Scotland definition of Domestic Abuse: “Any form of physical, sexual or mental and emotional abuse which might amount to criminal conduct and which takes place within the context of a relationship. The relationship will be between partners (married, co-habiting, civil partnership or otherwise) or ex-partners. The abuse can be committed in the home or elsewhere." There is a real risk you will get on the wrong side of the Police. 90% of my domestic abuse clients are female, most of them because they have reacted to the abuse they are receiving from partners and ex-partners and because they have reacted, they have found themselves getting arrested!!! This is VERY COMMON and so easy to happen. Your ex is a risk you your children. You say he threatened to "stab him in the throat in front of the children" So he has threatened to use extreme violence in the presence of the children. Children should never be exposed to acts of violence or any form of domestic abuse. Trust me, this is part of my work and Child Protection measures can be imposed if children are exposed to such risks. You need to take action, report these incidents to Police Scotland to protect yourself and put into place proper safeguards to protect your children. Strong words but you can't live with these risks. I hope this helps. __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Last edited by Yella Fella; 14th June 2016 at 07:14.. Reason: Additional info.

14th June 2016, 07:02	#16
murphyv310 This is my second home Hyundai i10 998cc Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Kilmarnock Posts: 6,602 Thanks: 2,088 Thanked 2,298 Times in 1,349 Posts	Hi Anna. I'm shocked and horrified. You must take the advice on here especially what Glenn says. My daughter suffered the very same from her EX with terrible abuse, he was also involved with drugs which was hidden for two years during the time they were together. You have to do something and pretty quick, if something happens to your kids you'll never forgive yourself and if something happens to you your poor children will be distraught. Anna please please take the advice here, I'm sure your partner and all of us here will look after you. Any possibility of moving away? __________________ Cheers from Trevor MM0KJJ

14th June 2016, 07:12	#17
coolcat This is my second home Audi Q3 TDI S-Line Quattro Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Clacton On Sea/On the boat somewhere Posts: 51,210 Thanks: 9,890 Thanked 12,235 Times in 8,232 Posts	Hi Anna, Sorry to hear your ex is putting you through this turmoil, As others have said, he is obviously a control freak and losing his grip on you is making him behave in this way ! You have been given some excellent advice from everyone on here about your situation, please do act on it and hopefully that will be enough to make him realise he is behaving in a disgraceful manner and to stop harassing you and ruining his relationship with his children. All the best for you and the kids, stay safe. __________________ Jeff.

14th June 2016, 17:59	#18
lady zed This is my second home Rover 75 Saloon Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: On the edge Posts: 6,659 Thanks: 1,354 Thanked 1,210 Times in 716 Posts	Spent 2 hours at the police station this afternoon giving a statement. I won't go any further into details in case it ends up in court. He's preparing to hand himself in and has been in touch with his lawyer. I don't know what'll happen next, hopefully the penny will eventuallyy drop that my business is no longer his business and he has no right to interfere in my life and turn up at my house whenever he feels like it. His lawyer has told him to prepare for bail conditions preventing him coming anywhere near me. We'll see. __________________ it's all about the first person you want to tell good news to

13th June 2016, 22:17	#14
ratchet Posted a thing or two ZT-T + CTDI Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: Gone walkabout Posts: 1,185 Thanks: 179 Thanked 361 Times in 289 Posts	Some sound advice so far, to which I can only add that you should consider keeping a diary and log every incident or threat. It might also be worth investing in a cheap concealed camera.

14th June 2016, 18:14	#20
FLYER Banned rover75 cdti AUTO TOURER 160 bhp. Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Glasgow Posts: 35,346 Thanks: 2,985 Thanked 3,685 Times in 2,463 Posts	Well done Anna . You have made the first moves . Dont weaken your resolve .