Brum's Joke Book

[brum29]

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

[brum29]

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."

First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."

Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."

Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

[brum29]

'I just bought my mother-in-law a Jaguar.'

'Cor - I thought you didn't like her.'

'I know what I'm doing, it's bitten her twice already.'

[brum29]

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll bill you for five!

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
'The Government is well aware of the situation and we are setting up a committee to look into the feasibility of changing it.'

One.
How many mind-readers does it take to change a light bulb? - think about it!

How many members of the government doe it take to change a light bulb.
Members of the government never change light bulbs, they prefer to keep the public in the dark.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't know how to - it's a hardware problem.

How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."

Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a light bulb?
Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...

How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

[brum29]

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.


3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.


4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.


5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.


6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.


7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.


8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.


9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.


10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.


11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.


12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.


13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

[brum29]

A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

[brum29]

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent"!

[brum29]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!"

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.

Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly pamper to all his needs and satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

She replied, "He said you're going to die."

[brum29]

A couple is woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The husband gets up and goes to the door where a stranger asks, “Can I get a push?”

"No way," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him, she asks?”

"No I didn't, it's three in the morning!"

"Well you've got a bad memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember a few months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes", replies the man in the dark.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" replies the man in the dark.

"Where are you" asks the husband?

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.

[brum29]

The guys are playing poker when Fred loses £1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Richard looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" So they draw straws and Bob picks the short straw.

“Be discreet”, the guys tell Bob and “Don't make this situation any worse than it is.”

Bob replies, "Gentlemen! Discreet??! I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name."

So Bob walks over to the Fred’s house, knocks on the door and the wife answers.

“What do you want Bob”, she asks? He says, "Your husband just lost £1,000 playing poker."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Bob says, "I'll tell him!"