Brum's Joke Book

[brum29]

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America! .......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[brum29]

EVERWONDER .


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[brum29]

A dealer from up at Bradford, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Sid couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Sid has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[DJO]

What, pray tell, is a "black light"?

Surely if its black it isn't a light. Light cannot be black can it?

Is it made my the same people as a chocolate fireguard or waterproof teabags?

[brum29]

Celibacy

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare; " It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"It's self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy

[brum29]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your

left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches

below the level you are traveling on), and on your

right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed

as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is

the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and

zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly

dangerous situation?




you're












Get off the Merry-go-Round as your drunk

[brum29]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'








He responded, '3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

[JohnDotCom]

Sounds like the UK to me.

[brum29]

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

[Petrow]

Originally Posted by DJO

What, pray tell, is a "black light"?

Surely if its black it isn't a light. Light cannot be black can it?

Is it made my the same people as a chocolate fireguard or waterproof teabags?

"Black light" is ultra violet light. The bulb looks black because it has a filter to cut out any visible light. When you switch it on you may see a hint of blue, but you can't see the main UV output because it is beyond the human eye's visible range. Some materials fluoresce when illuminated by UV - that is, they emit visible light. (Ain't science wunnerful!)