Brum's Joke Book

[brum29]

Thanks GG, sorted

[Spôôk]

Originally Posted by brum29

A Bad Seal Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating one seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Todays special

Seal in juicy oil $80,000

Two for the price of one.

[brum29]

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?' God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to
Him.Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.' Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'So God explained
That to him, too.Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez....'And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

**
*
*
'What's a headache?'

[brum29]

Aging Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[brum29]

Murphy's Other Laws

1.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a finefor doing well.

3.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4.A day without sunshine is like, well......, ...... night.

5.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[brum29]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said : In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD- Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information : I'm doing this as a public service.

[brum29]

Aplogies in advance to any Irish people, who I love very dearly

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'




'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

[brum29]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her.'

[brum29]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You lousy NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner..'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You are a really really nasty NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Tommy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that rotten NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-. And every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

[brum29]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.'