Credit to Monty Python

[FLYING BANANA]

Don't sit on his knee.

Early I know, but this hot from our spies:

Secretly taped from the chimney of the Monty Python Creativity Suite in preparation for the Christmas Special comeback:
Voiceover (Dave Vance old tapes edited):

Dateline 27th December.

“They’d done well really. All those presents delivered with no mistakes and every chimney big enough, although that council estate with the new sustainable central heating ducts instead of proper flues was a pain in the neck. All the reindeer fruit had been shovelled up in accordance with EU directive 25/12 (Effluent and Permitted Disposal) and, when dried out and gone hard, would give sufficient fuel for the rest of the winter. But the fumes from it and too much sherry and mince pies isn’t conducive when you get in the warm and take your cloak off”

Action:.
Santa stretches his legs out by the fire and unsuccessfully tries to muffle a parp.

“Too much candid peel?” neighs Blitzen, with a conspiratorial toss of antler and just a hint of dripping sarcasm.

“More like Harvey’s Bristol Cream” mutteres Donner. Under his breath of course, doesn’t want to risk redundancy for insubordination – wouldn’t do much for his bonus yet to come.

Rudolph keeps his gob shut. Last time he got into one all he got for his trouble was a nosebleed from Santa’s flying boot. Been red and angry ever since. No medical cover, see.

“Shut it you lot,” (from the inglenook) “or you’ll be in the barn and those wolves are on the prowl. Don’t know you’re born you don’t. That’s the trouble with antleroids, no gratitude these days”.

Prancer’s getting agitated. His mascara is covered in frost and he knows he must look a sight. He’s got an audition for Strictly and going at the gallop through all those fir trees makes a holy mess of your hair. Still, he thinks, half an hour with the Carmen’s should sort that.

It should have been Dancer really (given the name) but that Prancer is just too pushy by half. He even insists on taking the lead in the traces, or ‘festoons’ as he calls them. “We have to think of the equality and diversity image or we’ll end up with absolutely no credibility” he repeats at every opportunity. He’s even embroidered it on his pillow. Well, I say pillow, more a sack of hay.

Talking about bags of hay, Mother Santa shouts from the kitchen:

“Oi! Nick. How many times have I asked you to wipe the floor after you? And if you think you’re going to sit in front of that tele you’ve got another coming. It’s alright for men, gallivantin’, on the tiles all night. If you get pulled and breathalysed you’ll lose your licence so don’t say I didn’t warn you. And don’t think I’ll be driving. You know what I’m like with animals. You’re not the real Santa anyway, you’re a very naughty boy”.

Credit to Monty Python.