Brexit negotiation in a nutshel

[SCP440]

Brexit negotiations simplified in a nutshell

David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the Membership Secretary sees him.

"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership. If you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barnier’s office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?

"Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet. As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders with the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis.

"No of course not Mr Davis. You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis..

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week.. Your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month. He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it.

This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

"Get lost!" says Mr Davis
(if only . . . !)

[suzublu]

Brilliant

[KWIL]

That quaint old English expression " buying a pig in a poke" springs to mind. You do not pay for something you cannot see [or have agreed].

[Darcydog]

It may be humerous - but the humour hides a stark and brutal reality.

[rab60bit]

Originally Posted by Darcydog

It may be humerous - but the humour hides a stark and brutal reality.

It's 'humorous' true, reality also.
Like good chaps that we British are, we've put up our hands and offered a fair figure to help our 'soon to be' ex. Club members continue with the plans we no longer recognise as the aims of the old Club we originally joined - it's an honourable gesture.
They changed the rules and, at the time, we got suckered into the plans they formed without fully appreciating the consequences - some of which would be truely life changing.
Like some others in the Club we've had a change of heart, but unlike them we've managed to ignore the high handed entreatments, bribes and threats and push through with emtying our locker for good - and before the ever escalating cost of re-roofing the Club house/heated cart park and underground plunge pool/sauna plus the horrendous relocation costs for our ageing Steward (and his wider family from the eastern part of the county) to grand retirement in the Caymen Islands, all comes up for funding.
Wicked, wicked, wicked.....

[rustymotor]

It's a very entertaining story sadly, a million miles from the reality as are many of the replies

[MSS]

Originally Posted by rustymotor

It's a very entertaining story sadly, a million miles from the reality as are many of the replies

Agreed.

[Graham1961]

I have to say, that was brilliantly worded....

[grivas]

Originally Posted by SCP440

Brexit negotiations simplified in a nutshell

David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the Membership Secretary sees him.

"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership. If you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barnier’s office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?

"Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet. As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders with the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis.

"No of course not Mr Davis. You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis..

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week.. Your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month. He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it.

This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

"Get lost!" says Mr Davis
(if only . . . !)

Send a copy to the British negotiating team, it may serve as a protocol for improving their negotiating skills....or not....either way we are.. naughty word.

[rab60bit]

Originally Posted by mss

Agreed.

I'm not getting into this again otherwise the Mods will step in and stop it.
The whys and wherefores of this saga will continue to fill the columns everywhere.
It's all really very complicated and there ain't much time but, and if you have ever been involved in a serious negotiation - the talking will continue (and it WILL go to the wire in 2019) and the people who make the eventual and most important decisions (whoever is in charge in Germany, France and probably Italy) will no doubt be having 11th hour conference calls considering whatever is on the table. They will call the shots based on what we have left for them.....!
or, it becomes obvious beforehand that there is no goodwill at all forthcoming from Brussels and March 2019 is just a deadline that will never be met to go down in posterity as the date we departed in an orderly manner from the decks of the foundering ship 'MV EU'