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Old 26th April 2008, 16:02   #1
brum29
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Default Brum's Joke Book

Rob75 suggested this as a tribute to our friend Keff. Some will make you laugh, some will make you groan, that was his speciality.

Thanks Keff, proper gent.





At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who where only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I have been here already?"

:

:

:


The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer has its advantages.

Can't wait to get there.......KB

Last edited by GreyGhost; 13th July 2008 at 01:32..
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Old 26th April 2008, 16:58   #2
brum29
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Default Interesting Facts.....................






If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)







If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

NO COMMENT!!


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

















A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)








The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the.............?!)







The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.







The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)








Some lions mate over 50 times a day.





Butterflies taste with their feet


(Something I always wanted to know.)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)








Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.




(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)








An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


( I know some people like that.)








Starfish have no brains


(I know some people like that too.)







Polar bears are left-handed.





(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



















everyone !

Last edited by GreyGhost; 26th April 2008 at 17:31..
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Old 26th April 2008, 17:16   #3
brum29
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Default A good night out

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
He shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .

:
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Can you guess
:
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"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Old 26th April 2008, 17:21   #4
brum29
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Default Free Air tickets to 2008 Olympics

WIN 2 TICKETS AND ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES INBEIJING,CHINA.

To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly
answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?


Good Luck








I guess you are not going either.

Last edited by brum29; 2nd May 2008 at 16:33..
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Old 26th April 2008, 17:32   #5
brum29
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Default Men's Rules

TheMan Rules
At
last a guy has taken the time to write this all down




Finally
, the guys' side of the story.
(
I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
" the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.




These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Old 27th April 2008, 07:16   #6
Kiwirover
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Default

What more could I possibly say...
__________________
Regards,
Gillian
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Old 27th April 2008, 07:46   #7
nisfo
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Default

Just printing it out now......Will go on the kitchen door.

Will add my own rule too.....
When I say 'I am popping to the shop' I mean I will do a detour and pop to the pub on the way back
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Old 27th April 2008, 11:17   #8
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Default

"Just printing it out now......Will go on the kitchen door."

Oh if only I dared.

Exxxcellent.
__________________
Regards. Bob
Member # 45
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Old 28th April 2008, 02:34   #9
rockinpaul25
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Wink

Just printing it out now......Will go on the kitchen door.

So i took your advice then i was made to put this on



Im not hen pecked i just do as i'm told
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Old 28th April 2008, 08:17   #10
brum29
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Default

Thanks a lot for that Rockinpaul, my wife's just seen that remote and she's come over all unnecessary. SWMBO has the previous model and has worn it out through over use and has demanded I find out NOW where you got it, as it has a few more extra buttons. So if you could let me know ASAP,as it's her birthday soon (I think it is, will have to check) as I'm all for the quiet life, know what I mean. Cheers KB
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