How to read a Haynes manual

Greeners · 5th May 2010, 08:13

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust!!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: How ever, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC/AA Card and Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

Kai Herb · 5th May 2010, 08:22

Surely this is posted in the wrong section , it should be in Technical

Roverowner · 5th May 2010, 09:13

Really good

I thought it was just me.........

amableson · 5th May 2010, 11:52

Made me chuckle, repeatedly!!!

FredSpencer · 5th May 2010, 15:10

Very funny. Mind you, if you're not mechanically minded you don't have any of these problems. You just pay for garage owners to go on expensive holidays instead.

radi8or · 7th May 2010, 13:40

Oi, have you been watching me work again.

Oh so true !!!!

Ragman · 7th May 2010, 13:50

Brilliant!!!!!

Dragrad · 7th May 2010, 21:51

Did you supply this list to the garages my car's been in?

Brilliant !!!

Roverowner · 8th May 2010, 07:38

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

Funny isn´t it. The things that usually go wrong are not listed at all but under -F- you can find -Front Cover- and under -R- Rear Cover

And why is it that the original photos of the baboon and the 2 donkeys (in the -we only use experts- section) has been replaced with some twurp with a monkey (wrench)

loz1971 · 8th May 2010, 23:00

The part that always gets me is "replacement is simply the reverse of removal"........yeah right!!!

5th May 2010, 08:13	#1
Greeners Moderator MG-ZTT Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Ware, Herts Posts: 19,798 Thanks: 161 Thanked 1,249 Times in 1,036 Posts	How to read a Haynes manual Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to ** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust!! Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: How ever, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC/AA Card and Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do. __________________ David** Impecunity is the mother of ingenuity Useful how to's for common problems Car Of The Month Jan 2014 [SatNav Power Down] [Coolant Level] [SatNav Repair] [Diesel Non Starting] [Paint Codes] [Rear Light Seals] [Reversing Light Switch] [Bleeding Brakes][Sunroof Drain] [Early ZT's][Instrument Pack Diagnostics][ATC Diagnostics]

5th May 2010, 09:13	#3
Roverowner Retired CDTi Tourer 2005 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Linköping Posts: 5,023 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Really goodI thought it was just me.........

5th May 2010, 11:52	#4
amableson Gets stuck in Ex Rover 75 owner Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Boston, Lincolnshire. Posts: 553 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Made me chuckle, repeatedly!!! __________________ Regards Andrew.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

7th May 2010, 13:40	#6
radi8or Gets stuck in Rover 75 Saloon Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dagenham Posts: 760 Thanks: 11 Thanked 11 Times in 10 Posts	Oi, have you been watching me work again. Oh so true !!!! __________________ Regards. Bob Member # 45

7th May 2010, 13:50	#7
Ragman This is my second home ZT 260 SE Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Ashington, West Sussex Posts: 3,512 Thanks: 2 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Brilliant!!!!! __________________ I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

5th May 2010, 08:22	#2
Kai Herb Gets stuck in MG ZTT+ 2.5 160 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: North Devon ish Posts: 743 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Surely this is posted in the wrong section , it should be in Technical

5th May 2010, 15:10	#5
FredSpencer Passed Away Typhoon ZT 190+ Saloon Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Leeds Posts: 6,833 Thanks: 0 Thanked 18 Times in 10 Posts	Very funny. Mind you, if you're not mechanically minded you don't have any of these problems. You just pay for garage owners to go on expensive holidays instead.

7th May 2010, 21:51	#8
Dragrad This is my second home *None DROWNED** Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Cardigan Posts: 33,339 Thanks: 1,257 Thanked 1,664 Times in 1,081 Posts	Did you supply this list to the garages my car's been in? Brilliant !!! __________________ Andrew Ich Dien Problem solving is... lateral thinking SEARCH FIRST ...ASK LATER...

8th May 2010, 07:38	#9
Roverowner Retired CDTi Tourer 2005 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Linköping Posts: 5,023 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do. Funny isn´t it. The things that usually go wrong are not listed at all but under -F- you can find -Front Cover- and under -R- Rear Cover And why is it that the original photos of the baboon and the 2 donkeys (in the -we only use experts- section) has been replaced with some twurp with a monkey (wrench) Last edited by Roverowner; 8th May 2010 at 07:41..

8th May 2010, 23:00	#10
loz1971 Posted a thing or two 2000 (W) Rover 75 CDT Connoisseur SE (manual) Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Cornwall Posts: 1,050 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	The part that always gets me is "replacement is *simply* the reverse of removal"........yeah right!!! __________________ Always be hopeful!! http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/ne...ncing-baby.jpg "Plus It's not a man purse, it's called a satchel...Indiana Jones wears one"