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28th April 2008, 13:12 | #11 |
Passed Away
Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008
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One for the Ladies
After putting that one on about mens rules my darling wife made me put this to even up the balance, sorry guys I didn't stand a chance.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . .. 'My husband follows me everywhere' Written just below it . ' I do not' Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?' God says: 'So you would love her.' But God,' the man says , 'why did you make her so dumb?' God says: 'So she would love you.' |
28th April 2008, 13:41 | #12 |
Passed Away
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Make sure of the facts first
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse droppings all over her hallway carpet.'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse dropping from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' 'Well,' she said, 'I hope you've got a flipping good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.' Had to "clean" this one up a bit first. KB |
28th April 2008, 16:11 | #13 |
Passed Away
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Don't mess with a 98 year old lady
THE TIMES - - Letter of the Year:
A SENIOR MOMENT - (I PRAY TO GOD THAT I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS......) An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client Addendum from The Editor: IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!? |
28th April 2008, 16:19 | #14 |
Passed Away
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Why I Fired My Secretary
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked. |
28th April 2008, 16:40 | #15 |
Passed Away
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New Employment Technic
Hi all
The following might be useful in your business. 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyse the situation A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, Yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. L. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management . Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government Works every time, regards KB |
28th April 2008, 16:58 | #16 |
Passed Away
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Wedding Dress
One you 'men' will enjoy lol
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!! |
28th April 2008, 17:11 | #17 |
Passed Away
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Crafty Wife
Sorry guy's,wife's revenge
I waswalking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food. I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' I'm back in the good books now. KB |
28th April 2008, 17:38 | #18 |
Passed Away
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Mother of six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home. And to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four." |
28th April 2008, 17:49 | #19 |
Passed Away
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Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. |
28th April 2008, 18:05 | #20 |
Passed Away
Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008
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Psychology Test
Subject: Psychology test....
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