Brum's Joke Book

[brum29]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'

[brum29]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind,
when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees

Ees


Ees


Eees a Ham Bush.

[brum29]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?'asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'



'Now what the heck would you say?'

[brum29]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, (shame WE can't actually do this!)

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, '**** You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[brum29]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......




'Grumpy sh***** a penguin!'

'Grumpy sh***** a penguin!

[brum29]

Why It's Important To Understand English



I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went the
currency exchange window at the local bank.



Short Line



Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange
yen for dollars and she was a little irritated....



She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday I got two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'



The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'



The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!!'

[brum29]

BBQ RULES





We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it is the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.



When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9)After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10)Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[brum29]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an oversized older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[brum29]

Dave was out shopping when he met his friend Paul outside the Jewellery Store. Paul noticed that Dave had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

What have you just purchased Dave?" Paul asks.

Well, now that you've asked," replies Dave, "It's my Marinas birthday
tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday,
Marina said, “Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with lots of diamonds.

"So what did you get her?" Paul asks.
Dave smirks and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."

[brum29]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having CASSEROLE!"