[stevemac]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags.. He's bi-satchel.
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down..

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me..'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said I've been on telly but I'm no James Dean
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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